Archive for February, 2009

Reuben Abati’s Unpardonable Gaffe

February 15, 2009

To blunder is human – natural. Is it so for super-human writers like Dr. Reuben Abati of the Nigerian Guardian?

About two months after Sahara Reporters blew the gaff on land
allocation in Abuja,Abati still hasn’t owned up his overt sin – his snobbish silence where his integrity is publicly challenged. He has chosen to do what Jesus did before Pilate – keep an all-knowing calm punctuated with ‘Thou sayest’.
So Abati is a god. If you see him in flesh and blood, then he’s a pontiff – unquestionable and infallible.
And to all the internet warriors and blogmaniacs badgering him to talk, go hang yourselves because Abati won’t talk.

I’m afraid Abati might self-destruct if he carried on this pig-headedness .
Check out his writings on Fridays and Sundays ever since this Abatigate broke out. You’ll observe his creative juices have gone sour. His writings are pedestrian, incoherent,and boring.

Sometimes he’s gratuitously amorous (as read in Queen Okoye: Raped by Policemen), or voyeurish in some others.
OK.I learnt he used to churn out obscenity for The Hints before
he crossed over to The Guardian. Now his erotic muse makes him snoop around god-forsaken places to gather materials for his columns. The wit, the punch, the humour that used to sell his writing to his readers are gone.

That’s what blunders can do to a genius.

What everybody – his fan, his fanatic, his foe – wants is some
explanation to clear the air. Not this barren humour or escapist journalism. Except he comes down to our level – the mere mortal level – to explain his part in the Modibbo land generosity, the angel of creativity won’t come back to his study. I swear!

And if Abati – the live wire of The Guardian – begins to rust , then the end might be pretty near.
Maybe we’d hope Alex Ibru – who’s solely interested in where his bread is buttered – would kick his groin and make him talk very soon. Or better still he’ll give him the axe.


Dora Akuyili and her PR Gymnastics

February 10, 2009

P.R. Blunders
Auntie Dora feels positive thinking could be swapped for good public relations. Why, good p.r is way different from alchemistry or metaphysics.
It’s hopeless trying to make Nigerians feel good in darkness, hunger, poverty , insecurity, inequalities , joblessness and leadership blunders. No matter how many times we dust or kiss the national flag.

She won’t understand this, though . It will take her years of blundering , fumbling, and formal studies in the art of public relations – the Ivy Lee type – before she can function professionally as an image launderer.

Dicky Heart Of Africa
About the slogan, the Heart of Africa is sick. So good riddance! I suggest: the KIDNEY OF YAR’ ADUA. The logo should be a skeleton crumbling under the map of Abuja.Home-grown ,Isn’t it?
So we see how PRO(F) Akunyili will make Nigerians feel this mere geographical contraption is an El Dora do .

Bad Image is Bad Image
The first thing Madam should have done is come to grips with the bloody reality that her boss inherited a poison chalice – bad news, really – and should have, as an awesome p.r. woman she might never be, joined The Sun News and other alarmist
newspapers to scream it in the ears of the sickly president. That what? That Nigeria’s sick. That the situation’s terrible. That Nigerian can never have it worse.

Oh, Auntie Dora of short memory. She’s forgotten, so fast – now that she wines and dines with Yardie – how she used to shed tears – hot tears – for Nigerians in her NAFDAC days. She knew the terrible ways of Nigerians then. She knew how drugs affect women , children , politics, and economy. She knows now nothing
has changed till now except her portfolio – that she was made a
minister of a completely unfamiliar terrain – a propagandist – to sell a confused government to Nigerians and the CNN audience across the ponds.

Certainly, some automatons called Nigerians will tell us all is well.The likes of Daniel Kanu and other bearded zombies.
Remember “Youth Earnestly Asked for Abacha”?

On the whole, one thing is sure : calamity is the best teacher. Gambits like this, in the past, have taught Nigerians,the few real Nigerians, to ignore the charismatic gymnastics of
daydreamers like Madam Akuyili. Nigeria is only sellable when Nigerians are happy.
You can be sure not many serious-minded,breadwinning Nigerians
will find time to participate in the childish logo competition.Doesn’t she know the way of the Power Holding and the internet providers outside Abuja?

Between Face and Grammar

February 4, 2009

Still wondering there are certain grammatical blunders Naija media can’t help committing.
The airwaves are permanently clogged with those silly expressions cockily rapped by 80% of Nigerian broadcast journalists.
One of the most common is : …between you and I.
It hit me square in the jaw when Jumoke Alao of the AIT gracefully spewed out ‘ … the issues in Nollywood that affect you and I ‘ during ESCOOP,8.30am,last Monday.
It was an Africa-wide blunder.

Matter-of-factly, Jumoke is cute.She ranks well in the bevy of well stacked ladies that adorn the DAAR Communications screen. She’s got all the theatrics and seductive body language – great hips, come-hither looks, good skin, bulbs, and all – choreographed to distract the less critical viewers.
But that slip – that bad slip -rubbished her.
Your gut wrenches when a chic journalist like that spits out horrible grammar like she did.

Gone were the days when good journalism was all about creativity and flawless English.
What now qualify you as a female broadcast journalist are your looks, curves, arcs, and whatever coquettish eye contact you can make.
Speak English worse than Man Friday’s – no problem.

I know there are good broadcasters in the AIT :Williams Williams, Uche Unongo, Okechukwu Eze, Kunle Joe ,and a handful of others. See if you can compare these guys with that bumbling Kenny Ogungbe who hides his ugly grammar behind his charisma .He’s no longer in AIT,anyway.

These shameful grammatical slips not only deride the Nigerian media, they also expose the professional rust of the journalists.
It’s a lot easier to hypnotise the viewers with their cleavages – a psychological noise – so nobody hears their blunders.

Breezing through parts of speech and other rudiments of English on a weekend is no sacrifice too big for Jumoke and co. to make. It refreshes their knowledge of conjunctions and cases, and saves them this grammatical suicide. It could save her pretty face, too,from blushes that go with somersaulting into the airwaves.
It’s no picnic trying to strut or bluff your way out of such wreckage,you know.
Even your dumb mike feels the embarrassment, too.

I’d hope that DAARSAT isn’t blasting all this trash across the globe.